Nobody likes being the nagger, or nagged at. It’s no fun for anyone. In my relationship, I’m usually the nagger and I hate doing it. I know what you’re thinking, “if you don’t like doing it, then why don’t you just stop?” but it’s really not that simple. Allow me to explain.


First of all, I know exactly when I’m nagging someone. It doesn’t just happen, and it’s not an accident. Before I open my mouth, I’ve usually thought it over many times - asking myself: Should I say something? Is it worth it? Why hasn’t he done the thing I’ve asked him to do a million times? I ask all of these questions because I know that constantly bringing the same things up over and over again will just annoy them and most likely close them off from me and my questions.


This brings us back to the big question: “Gee Angela, if you don’t like doing it, then why don’t you just stop?” The answer is because I don’t know how else to ask the questions I need answers to without it sounding like I’m nagging.


From the perspective of the person being nagged, they’re thinking why does she keep asking me these questions, I already told her I would do it, I’m not a child, it’s my life and I can do things the way I want. All these protests are fair of course, but what about the nagger’s perspective?


“I Already Said I Would Do It”
The nagger is likely as frustrated, if not more frustrated than you are - the one being nagged. Saying you’ll do something is great, but what happens when a week passes by and you still haven’t done it? Maybe this particular thing takes longer than a week, or maybe you got really busy, but how are they supposed to know that? The problem here is that you didn’t give her any timelines or updates. It’s really hard to be in the dark when you need something to get done. For myself, when someone doesn’t give me any timelines, I try to follow up  about once a week. This is actually me trying to be flexible and not be so naggy. If it were completely up to me and I didn’t care about being naggy - I’d probably ask every 3-4 days. I’m really type A, so it’s pretty hard for me not to have a clear timeline. The fact of the matter is, people who do the nagging are usually type A personalities. We need to know who, what, when, and why. It’s not that they try to treat you like you’re a child, they just have a need to know.


“I’m Not a Child”
If you’re being honest with yourself, chances are that you’ve let down the person nagging you more then once by forgetting to do something, or missing an important deadline. Everyone forgets, and forgetting doesn’t make you a child, but it does make people uneasy. I’m at fault here too because I constantly forget things. Usually it’s things like forgetting to bring the keys, leaving my phone somewhere, or misplacing something. When I’m forgetful, it annoys my boyfriend a lot - and I think that’s justified. A lot of times, when we go out, he asks me if I have everything - but I don’t get upset at that or feel like he’s nagging me. I’ve given him a reason to ask me these questions, and it’s basically the same thing when someone nags you to do something. You’ve likely given them a reason to feel like they need to ask you the same thing over and over again. I’m not trying to blame the victim here, but I think there’s always a reason for anything someone does, including nagging.


“It’s my life”
Yes, it’s your life and you should be able to do what you want, but if it affects someone else, I feel like they have a right to speak up and say something about it. The people who speak up (or nag you) are the people who care and want what’s better for you. For example, I’m sure everyone can related to a nagging parent who wants them to clean their room. I know when I was a kid, I always thought this was a ridiculous request because it was my room and when I shut the door, on one would ever see it. Thinking back, I know my parents were only trying to teach me responsibilities so I would have an easier time adjusting when I’d live on my own. So while it IS my life and I have the right to do what I want, I understand that people don’t nag me to be annoying, they nag because they care about me or need something to get done. If they stop nagging, that’s when you know they’ve given up on you - and that’s not a good place to be.


I hope this shines a light on why people nag you, and a bit about how to make them less nagg-y by communicating timelines. Remember so share so more people understand, and maybe there will be a little less nagging in your life!


Bye World,
Angela

 Positive and healthy relationships are a lot of work. A lot of it comes from misunderstanding the other person, whether it be your significant other, family or friends. For me, the key to preventing a lot of misunderstanding is actually knowing why we jump to conclusion and make assumptions in the first place.

Now bare with me a little while I dust off my psychology degree, and get a bit nerdy.


The Fundamental Attribution Error: “The tendency to believe that what people do reflects who they are”

For the most part, our society teaches us to judge a character based on actions. For example, if someone holds the door open for you, then they are are nice person, vice versa, if someone runs into you on the street and doesn’t even turn back to apologize, then they are a rude person. The problem with this is that there is no way to know whether or not there was an underlying cause for their actions. Maybe the person who ran into you was running because his pregnant wife was in labour. This error in judgement is called the Fundamental Attribution Error, and it is a very strong response.


Our brains are essentially wired to make these snap judgments. Snap judgments are useful in many situations because it frees up our mental ability to process more information. For example, when our cavemen ancestors heard a loud bang, instead of waiting around to see what it was, it was better to just start running. However, in relationships with other people, making these snap judgments don’t really work.

One time when I was younger, I got insanely jealous because someone I was dating was getting a lot of messages from a girl. It was one of those things where her name would just pop up on the screen and I couldn’t help but take a peek at who it was (I was younger then and had trust issues). At that time, I just made the assumption that he was a player and basically just broke it off (I also didn’t have great communication skills back then). It was a while after that I found out the girl was his best friend's girlfriend, and they were just planning a surprise birthday party.

Had I known better back then, I would have realized that I was just making a crazy assumption and that things aren’t always what they seem. As stated by the Fundamental Attribution Error, the action doesn’t always reflect who that person is.


False Consensus Bias: “The tendency to believe that the majority of people share your values, ideas and opinions”

The False Consensus Bias is another byproduct of our brains getting things wrong by making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. We tend to believe that other people share our values, ideas, and opinions, because making this assumption helps us make sense of the world. People just do not have the time to sort through and analyze every person they come into contact with. Making these generalizations makes our day to day interactions easier, but it also leads to misunderstanding.

To see this bias in action, think about a food that you really enjoy. Now estimate the percentage of people in your city who also enjoy it. You’re estimate is probably pretty high, isn’t it? For me, I really enjoy sushi. My gut reaction is that everyone likes sushi! I’m also from Vancouver, so there are basically as many sushi joints as there are fast food places. When there was a potluck at an event I was attending, I brought sushi thinking everyone would enjoy it. To my surprise, many people did not enjoy sushi because they were from areas where sushi was less common and they did not have the stomach for raw fish. In this situation, the False Consensus bias made me overestimate the number of people who shared my love for sushi, and left me with a lot of uneaten food - not a huge deal.

Now translate this bias to your relationships and it’s easy to see how conflict can stem from it. Back when I was at a job that required lots of night shifts, there were times when I would skip out on birthday parties. I assumed my friends didn’t mind because these parties would usually be in a big group setting and I would make up for it by spending time with them one on one. I actually valued this more than being at a big birthday party, but my friends simply had different values than me. Their feelings were hurt and I felt bad, but it’s what happens when you assume that others have the same values and beliefs as you.

The False Consensus Bias is something everyone should be aware of. Just remember that someone else’s beliefs aren’t better or worse than yours, they’re just different.

​
Learning these two principles have helped me a lot to understand others, and myself. I hope it reduces the likelihood of people jumping to conclusions and making assumptions, and ultimately help create better relationships.

Bye World,
Angela

Hi World,
 
Do you reflect on the friendships you have in your life and do they make a positive impact? There are friends that you hang out with to waste time out of boredom and it might not be beneficial because you are not moving forward with your life.  I believe that success in career and life are impacted to an extent by experiences you share with your friends and their support that they are willing to give.  After reflecting on my friendships, here are a few lessons I have learned.
 
It is Ok to Have a Different Opinions
 
I have a friend that is opinionated and so am I (I mean I am writing this blog).  Sometimes there would be friction between us because our opinions are so different and we would butt heads over certain things.  As a result, we drifted apart for a little while.  I asked myself “why I am so frustrated when I am around her”?  Is it her or is it what she says?  With more time apart, I came to realize that there wasn’t a problem between us but that we were just growing into our own selves.  That was when I realized that it’s ok to have different opinions and that it's not about proving who is right or wrong.  Our opinions are shaped by the environment and the people we are surrounded by.  Now we remain the closest of friends and sometimes I find that her opinions make some good points.  At the end of the day, as friends, we just want what is best for each other.
 
It is Ok to Ask for Help.
 
I used to try to hide my weaknesses and problems and not ask my friends for advice.   Now I try to reach out to them for help when problems or challenges come up.  The reasons for why I decided to open up was because of the genuine interests they showed and I could tell that they wanted to help.  For example, I was working as a temp for a long time, and it was difficult for me to find a full-time job. There were so many things to consider, and I just felt like I didn’t have the answers. I talked to my friends about my concerns and my options and they spent a lot of time with me to work through it. Of course, there are the limitations in what you should ask your friends to help you with.  If it’s monetary help for example, there might be some strain on the relationship depending on the closeness of the relationship.  At the end of the day, I know my friends are there to support me without judgment and they help me make decisions I might not have made on my own.
 
Friends Helped Me Become More Confident.
 
I am an emotional person and I used to take feedback as criticism.  Overtime, I find myself feeling upset because I take feedback as a personal attack and these thoughts impacted my level of confidence.  When I used to work in management in the fast food industry, I found it very stressful because everything had to be done a certain way, and if things weren’t done that way, you were given a lot of feedback. With the constant feedback, I felt incompetent in what I did; however, I was lucky to have some great leaders (who were also my friends) that gave me encouragement and support to help get through it.  Since I am so critical of myself, I find that I make excuses to not pursue my interests or goals. I feel more confident in pursuing my life goals because I know that my friends are there to give me their insight, encouragement, and support to help me feel confident with the choices I make in my life.
 
My experiences and yours could be very different but it is good to reflect on your friendships.  Friends that are there to support you through your ups and downs are keepers because they want to help you be better. How about you? When was it the last time you reflected on your friendships? Do your current friends help impact you in a positive or negative way?
 
Please share some of your thoughts.
 
Thank you, World!
 
Serena